you are everything that you wish you were not. how does life feel knowing that no one knows who you are. you are still trying to fit in... if not you would be real and honest to those around you. i hope that one day someone can touch your life and make you real again.
Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
--Margery Williams The Velveteen Rabbit
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searching to find what situations are really "meant to be" and what situations are contrived... is what is "meant/not meant to be" an excuse for insecurity, failure, or doubt?? hmmm....maybe those words are thrown around too freely?
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ive come to see what a bastard of a human i have been in my life. i think it all started around the age of 21 maybe earlier. it wasnt sex i sought out it was attention. and not just the attention from humans it was from females. sad really. actually not even sad, its pathetic. i bought a shirt 2 days ago. it said CHANGE. random that i wear my heart on my sleeve, and modern fashion allows me to wear it on my chest as well.
i have never had a girlfriend that i didnt cheat on. always overlapping. always. being single is a new experience. a good experience. a sad experience to look back at how pathetic you were, mearly months ago.
tonight i walked by guys that couldnt have been but 5 years older than me. hitting on some chick. i thought to myself how disgusting. then i looked in the proverbial mirror. i dont want to be that guy.
the other day we played an acoustic show in sarasota. a very nice looking asain girl talked to me for quite a while. she sited that her younger sister was a big fan. which i thought was funny.
at the end of the evening she gave me her card and asked her to call her so we could hang out and she could show me around the town.
on the way home i handed the card to dorian.
i dont want to be a bastard anymore. i dont want to hurt anyone anymore. i want a secluded life. i wish i could walk away sometime. to anywhere.
i have alot to learn. i am no where close to who i want to be.
i walked into a tattoo parlor with joey the other day.
on the wall there was a heart that looked like it had been sewn up. across it was the word repair. and for some reason it compelled me.
as i was walking away i remembered the scripture that Christ had said and he spoke "... and have come to heal the broken hearted". then i realized im the bastard that probably broke those hearts.
repair.
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